I told the AT&T cell phone man that I was a loyal brave and true customer of AT&T, which has been loyal and good and true to me. I appreciated its efforts- often unsuccessful – to give me good service and its complete success in sending my monthly bill on time. I felt cared about. And when I died I wanted people to know I had been faithful to AT&T for over 300 years.
I told him that I had heard a rumor that loyal brave and true AT&T customers who were over two days late in paying their bills were being abducted by AT&T customer- service-department people. The customer-service-department people had been given the legal authority to do this by having a legal authority magic wand waved over them. The AT&T customers were then flown to Poland and tortured until they paid their bill.
I asked the AT&T man if this rumor was correct.
“No, Ma’m, it’s not. AT&T doesn’t torture.”
“I heard that it used to be Egypt that they sent the folks to, but that changed two weeks ago after the revolution and now folks in arrears get sent to Poland.”
“There is no way you could be sent to Poland for not paying your bill, Ma’m.”
“Maybe it’s Lithuania.”
‘No, Ma’m. AT&T doesn’t torture.”
“There ain’t no way that could happen, Ma’m. Ain’t ever happened. Ain’t ever gonna happen. Ain’t means ain’t.”
“That’s good to know,” I said. “Not being tortured can be a great comfort.”
“A truer word was never spoken, Ma’m. Have I resolved all your issues?”
“Just one more. Have you had other calls about this?”
“About AT&T torturing its customers.”
The AT&T man asked if I could hold for a few minutes while he spoke with his supervisor.
“My supervisor can confirm that we have received other calls.”
“And. . . ?”
“I could explain more to you Ma’m, but I am not allowed to because it would violate your privacy.”
“Yes, Ma’m. If the enemy is being aided, AT&T protects its customers.”
“Who is the enemy?”
“I can confirm that AT&T protects its customers, but I can’t explain more without violating your privacy. Have I resolved all your issues, Ma’m?”
“You have a good day now, Ma’m. Oops, I mean evening. It’s six here.”
“You too. Oops. It’s three here. Day.”