0621090917aI left the veterinarian’s building slowly and started to go home without her.  What have I done, I thought, after I had walked two blocks. The vet was wrong. I did want to see her when she was dead. But I did what the vet had said and left. But why did I listen to her?

What should I do? How can I just walk home while my baby dies? Should I simply forget it? Should I be a coward, and not give the dead, the beloved dead, the honor due them? She was so happy, and happy to be happy, but she made me so much happier than I could ever have made her. I walked down the street blind and terrified. I was not saved and I didn’t know what I was not saved for. My little one was dying and dying as I walked. In the midst of life we are in death.

I want back. I went to the front desk.  The receptionist looked at me. “I can’t go until
she’s gone,” I said.  The receptionist looked frightened. “I can’t go,” I said. How mysteriously the meaning of things bursts through appearance. They told me to sit on a bench and wait and they would tell me. I saw myself in a mirror. Down below, my little white Spitz went on dying and dying.
A door slammed. A staff member appeared.  “She’s at peace now.”
“I’d like to have a word with the doctor.”
“What do you want to say?”
“She’ll find out.”
But I didn’t say that word. For the last time I turned and left the vet’s office.
At home that morning, Letha and I had sat on the sofa together in front of the black floor lamp. It was a beautiful morning.  I had my arms around her. Just eight hours before. I sang to her to the tune of an old Edith Piaf song.

Oh I do love my girl
And girl she loves me too
And we do love each other, doodle doodle doo.

That morning. Just eight hours before. . .


About judyjablow123

In my youth I was a world class tournament golfer. I earned an MA in history at NYU, after which I knew I had had enough of academia. I have remained a student of history. I have a strongly personal - almost entirely negative- take on the contemporary pharmaceutical and mental health industries. That was the impetus for my Bluepolar blog, which will also include stuff on sports, history and anything else that strikes my interest.
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  1. Bill Hecht says:



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